Who Was That Girl

 

I would see her every day in front of my building, wandering looking lost – yet I was enjoying my freedom;

She looked homeless, without friends – yet I was enjoying my freedom.

Did she have family she could call on – while I was busy enjoying my freedom?

I would get home from work, exhausted from a hard day’s work and there she was looking lost and hungry – yet I was enjoying my freedom.

The night would fall and there she was looking just as distraught as she did yesterday – yet I was enjoying my freedom.

I would often mention her to my friends – as if I had come to know her, yet I never spoke a word to her; you see I was enjoying my freedom.

There were days I would see her and become so angry – but I was enjoying my freedom.

This young lady was ever growing on me, my thoughts began to get consumed by her every day as I arrived home;  who was she, what could I say to her that she would hea – I wanted her to experience my freedom.

I would see her walking, standing or just looking lost – but either I was too busy, it was too cold, it was too late in the day, it was too dark, she wasn’t ready for my conversation; I had something more important to do; I’ll check in with her the next time I see her –I was too busy enjoying my freedom.

Where had she gone, I realized she was  no longer roaming the streets where I lived – what happened to her;  was she in the hospital, was she laying in a dark place unable to call for help – I had now become Concerned

When I told this story to a few gentlemen who were selling items from their local church they strongly suggested I yield to the Spirit and talk to her because she may be getting ready to leave this world…

I was too late, I never saw her again, I searched for her day after day; week after week; I left clothes for her on the banister, I prayed for her – I was no longer too busy enjoying my freedom – yet I felt such a colossal sense of loss especially since I was perspicacious about this woman who I had never met or spoken to I had  never, could never or simply just refused to take just a few minutes of my freedom to say hello, how are you, can I help – I was like you too before I started enjoying my freedom

I never dismiss that small voice that directs to me a stranger – some folk get angry with me, some are afraid for me – some question if that is why I’m here… I just know that every time I yield I get a sweet sense that He is with me.

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#TheBus – Has Rules

Bus Rules

  1. Put on your seat-belt – sometimes there are will be major turbulence especially when traveling in the dark;
  2. Obey the Bus Driver – not obeying the Bus Driver can cause major turbulence and cause you to get thrown to and fro.
  3. Watch out for black ice – black ice is dangerous for the Bus because you don’t always see it immediately.  You may see a warning sign and sometimes you won’t, but you will know when you come across it the Bus can begin to slip and slide uncontrollably.  With that said it is imperative that you trust the Bus Driver! 

Here’s something I did not know could happen, sometimes it appears that Bus Driver has left the Bus while it’s sitting still or it appears he is not driving the Bus, this can be very uncomfortable for you as it was for me, however, you must learn to trust that the Driver is still there.

Visitors please be mindful of the other bus riders as they are directed to get on and exit the Bus.  The Bus Driver may ask you a question about one of your experiences while riding the Bus with me so don’t be alarmed.  I don’t know who this Bus ride is for, but I know that the bus is full of all sorts of folk, loving, envious, adulterers, greedy, unloving, angry, happy, hurt, healed, jealous, abused grateful and ungrateful people.  You will find rapists and murderers on this Bus as well as destroyers and helpers.

At various stops along the way, you will find stories of pain, healing, grace, and rejection.  Finally, please note your Fare has already been paid for this ride.  

I Saw Myself From A Different Prospective #Bus

The first time I watched a woman and her two children get on the train at 6:00 am I thought to myself – It’s quite early to have an infant and little girl out on the train. 

I saw her again and again and thought to myself – Wow she does this every day surely there was someone who would give her a ride.

One day I saw her with her children and notice how the conductor was quite annoyed that she didn’t have her ticket ready…

The other day I saw her and she was combing her daughter’s hair on the train (she wasn’t quite ready for that early trip).  I watched her comb the hair and feed her baby in the carriage while riding the train.

One time I watched the other passengers get on the train and stare at her until they passed by –  as if she had leprosy and should have been banned from the train.

I thought to myself – wow I remember getting on the train about 27 years ago when my daughter was an infant and I did not do as well as the woman I watched… It was in that moment that I had great respect for her courage and strength.

The #Playground & #Redemption

I went in the playground to have some fun with friends and sometimes I went alone;

I met some new friends and saw some old ones;

I got on some of the rides, they seemed to be so much fun;

Then the clouds rolled in and I was blinded;

I slid off the slide and fell;

I was thrown midair from the swings;

I got dizzy on the whirl-around and lost my balance;

I was drowning in a sand-box that was only 1 feet high;

The horse went crazy on the rocking horse – I was jolted to the otherside of the playground;

I tried to run out but the gate was closed;

Have you ever been saved by Grace and backslid?  It’s like going into Satan’s playground full of fun and amazing things until they break and/or they break you?

For he has rescued us from the dominion of darkness and brought us into the kingdom of the Son he loves, 14in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

 

I was lost, but now I’m found…

#MorningMeditationForYourSoul

Losing my sanity

Good morning folks, apparently I got quite a bit side-tracked from my #journeytofreedom and let the cares of this world deter me from my purpose.

I got caught up in Trumpism, the Mueller Investigation, Lies, Russia, Racism, Police Brutality Against Black Folk, Injustices in the Government, Rand, Giuliani, Pirro and yes even #FakeNews.  I was researching other stories that would show every supporter in a negative light (hmmm who was I following for – surely not God]  I got physically tired and overwhelmed with responding verbally to every #Tweet and #FacebookPost…. until I had a [moment of clarity] and realized I was fighting a #battle that was not mine – if I believe in the messages from God in that #Book.

 

I decided to unplug for a day of rest and feed myself with positive and uplifting messages – soon, the clarity returned.  So I’m here to testify that it only takes one day in some situations for God to move and turn-it-around!! I’m determined more than ever to stay on track.

How did you get off track and how did you return to #sanity?

 

When the Veil Dosen’t Work

Trip Down South

One day my mother had an idea, she wanted to drive us to Newport News, VA by herself without my father.  We had never taken a trip that far without him, sure we had crossed the border to New York (Port Chester and White Plains) a thousand times but never multiple states away.  We were very excited but not sure she/we could do it, so I kept track of the exit signs and miles to the next state and I think my brother was simply a bratty passenger.  There was very different about this more than just my dad was not driving; and I don’t know and still don’t know what prompted her to make such a decision.   We arrived safe and sound (where did that phrase come from?) my grandparents were so happy to see us, and I was eager to go and hang out with my cousins as I always did.  I had the 15-year-old itch (wanting to be older but unable to do anything about it too young for 16-year-old things like driving and to old for hanging out with 7-year-old bratty brothers) – hanging with my older cousins seemed like a great alternative considering I had no other siblings or cousins my age, so the idea of going to out with my cousins sounded like a fabulous idea.

Cutie and Baby Blue Camaro

Any who, one evening I was out with my cousins and we went to the local bar.  The excitement of being in the bar and pretending to be all grown up was overwhelmingly sweet and sufficient.  I was not sure what to do so I acted as they did (the beginning of my precise chameleon abilities).  After the bar-scene ended we were in the parking lot  making plans to do other things.   There he was that cute guy that was trying to buy me a drink in the bar had started a conversation with me and I found myself engaged and feeling a lot like Jan (from the Brady Bunch) all grown up but not really.  Besides being cute/handsome he had a baby blue Camaro just like the one I dreamed I would have when I “grew up”.  There was a young lady in our neighborhood that was a few years older she had a good job and a baby blue Camaro.  My best friend and I vowed we would get a car just like hers when we grew up and even work with the same organization.  Meanwhile back at the bar, my cousins have decided to go to house party can and that cute guy after hearing my story asked me if I wanted to drive! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  Can you imagine the excitement I felt at 15 years of age (with a learner’s permit) driving my dream car, hanging out with my family, meeting this guy and going to another party after I have just left a bar!!! This scenario would never have happened back at home and I was locked and loaded.

Horror!!!

We’re off and driving down a very long street and somewhere along the way I get separated from the train of cars that were traveling to the party.  Me and “Cutie” arrive at an apartment complex, I look around but I don’t see any familiar cars, family members and I don’t hear any music – considering we going to another party it was Summer and very quiet after 2 am.  We walk into a house and there’s some random guy watching television in the dark.  “Cutie” walks me upstairs and wants to make out – remember those days.  However, the making out begins to go way beyond what I’ve had become accustomed to so I begin to say stop! no! don’t! I’m fighting with is his hands and trying to move away,  in a minute, I can’t control his movements – he’s not listening and there, right there, the most unbelievable thing happens…

I can hear all my mother words warning me about playing around with little boys.  How I needed to act like a lady, get treated with respect, don’t run around kissing guys and sitting on toilets because that would lead to pregnancy!  A young man should want to take you out on Saturday and Sunday if no-show on Sunday – it’s a problem – the RULES…My honor, the definition of who I was, my dreams and hopes in a flash had been snatched from me by some random cute guy I met at the bar driving a baby blue Camaro!  Damn what do I do, I don’t know where I am, I don’t know how to get back to grandma’s house, I don’t know where my family is, cell phones were only for the extremely rich and famous!!!

The Veil The Veil

When he realizes what I was, yes, I was an untouched flower that he had just destroyed!  He goes into his glove compartment and shows me his car registration and then he goes into the trunk and takes out a crow bar – I’m thinking oh Lord is going to kill me right here in the parking lot – hell it’s dawn for Christ’s sake – who does that (my naïve ignorance) he gives me permission to destroy the baby blue… and/or him with the crowbar.  I hold the crow bar and I’ll be damn, I can’t make a decision which would hurt him more breaking the windows or slashing him upside his head… so out of my hands it drops, and I softly say please take me home.

I had a dream, no I had a vision that I would marry my high school sweetheart, we would have 2 children, a washer and dryer,  I knew where we would live and that he would take over his father’s business – we would live happily ever after just like #Cinderella.  I had a desire to be a real-life Cinderella yet I had picked out my Knight in Shining Armor.  One night with “Cutie” from the bar with baby blue Camaro shot that dream all to hell.  You see my #Virgin status had been revoked –

 

Do come back later to find out I tried to restore my #Virgin status and adjust my #Veil…

 

 

 

Why Didn’t The Frog Jump

We all know too well why the #ChickenCrossedTheRoad to get to the other side right; however lets look at the stage of development.

Infants

9-month-olds an interpret the behaviour of an abstract computer-animated object as being goal-directed and can infer its novel action in a changed situation. Infants
were habituated to an event in which a small circle repeatedly approached a large circle by ‘jumping over’ a rectangle. During the test phase, when the rectangle is removed, infants look longer if the small circle repeats its familiar jumping approach than when it takes a novel but shorter (straight line) approach route.
Infants must establish a specific explanatory relation among three elements: the action, the goal state, and the constraints of physical reality.
Adults tend to describe the jumping event in mentalistic terms such as ‘it wants to go to the other circle and thinks the obstacle is impenetrable…
 Bioling Frog

A Frog However…

A frog Fell into a pot on a stove ….
As the temperature of the water begins to rise, the frog adjusts its body temperature accordingly.  The frog keeps adjusting its body temperature with the increasing temperature of the water.  Just when the water is about to reach boiling point, the frog cannot adjust anymore. At this point the frog decides to jump out.  The frog tries to jump but it is unable to do so because it has lost all its strength in adjusting with the rising water temperature.  Very soon the frog dies.

What Killed the Frog?

Think about it!  I know many of us will say the boiling water. But the truth about what killed the frog was its own inability to decide when to jump out.

We all need to adjust with people & situations, but we need to be sure when we need to adjust & when we need to move on. There are times when we need to face the situation and take appropriate actions.  If we allow people to exploit us physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually or mentally they will continue to do so.

You and Me

Is he to painful for our relationship?

Does she hurt me when she calls?

Do I lose more working at this place than my paycheck can cover?

Do really love him or am I in Love with being in a relationship?

Has the pain of letting go grown more than the pain of holding on…

Let us decide when to move on to the next #Bus!
Let’s jump while we still have the strength.

Why Am I On The Bus

I had decided to turn my life around after using drugs for many years and decided I would really give it my best shot after the other 2 times didn’t work.  So here I am leaving the rehab facility and I’m on the bus traveling downtown and the bus stops to pick up a traveler. A young black girl gets on the bus and she has these long braid extensions in her hair and she’s very loud!  I used to be very loud or, so everyone always made it a point to let me know how loud I was – and I’m still loud today when I’m passionate about some topic or when I’m not.

Any who, I find myself unable to stop watching this young lady and listening to her rant and rave about an incident with her son.  She goes on and on with no regard for the other passengers on the bus.  Just yelling and screaming and it occurs to me I can’t see who she’s talking to or if she is even talking to anyone on the bus.  Well it would appear she is not talking to anyone or maybe no one is listening.  The most puzzling thing that happens next is she get off the bus at the very next stop – I mean one block away!  I said to myself, geese she could have walked that distance and save us from hearing her rantings about her son.  Yea! she’s gone and off we go to our next stop – the drama some folk have with them!

At the next block the bus makes a loud machine-like noise and my first thought is, oh no the bus is breaking down, I don’t feel like walking or waiting for another bus.  Much to my surprise the bus has a hydraulic system that allows the driver to lower the front end and allow the steps to convert into a ramp.  In my infinite wisdom I had no idea this could happen – well I had not been a regular bus rider since I was in high school – scratch that since junior high.  I was not aware of what was going on with the bus until I saw someone enter the bus on a wheel chair with a little boy.  I thought to myself wow – technology sure has changed.  You see when someone is on drugs their world becomes composed of about a 4-block radius.  The place to purchase the drugs and the place to use the drugs – anything else that goes on in the world is of no or little importance.

The woman in the wheel was an older black woman and she had a look on her face that caused me to stare.  I found myself unable to turn away from her face –  much like I did with the screamer.  Something about this woman drew me to her.  At first I had no idea why, I’ve seen many folk in wheel chairs before and have felt sad, disconnected or have had great empathy for them.  This day, this day is very different.  As I continued to try to assess why I was so engaged with her I noticed something amazing.  I looked at her and I thought  based on her face alone, this woman was not born with this affliction, this was something that happened to her somewhere along her own “bus ride”  whatever it was, however it happened it was well with her soul.

The odd thing that happened next was we traveled to the very next stop and she too like the loud girl got off the bus immediately. I’m thinking what is this, The One Block Bus Tour?  Don’t these folk know I’m trying to get home, it’s a lovely day, it’s Friday and I have things to do,  folk are getting on and getting off the bus when they could have ridden or walked one block!  Why didn’t they walk or ride the one block?

I’ll tell you why, remember how the first young lady reminded me of myself just before I decided to turn my life around – loud and saying nothing of any relevance.  The second lady – was a vision of what God had shielded me from in my active addiction.

One evening, I was at a friend’s  house and folk were playing poker after the poker games were over I collected the “house” money (money for each game of poker played) which was mine to keep.  I was ready to go and do that which I had become accustomed to doing – use drugs!  My friend was very opposed to this idea, he was so angry that since his tone was not a deterrent to my desires –  he thought he would reach in the nightstand  and take out the gun and shoot at me.  I suppose he thought that would deter me – no not really,  I am a former Marine, if you can’t aim don’t shoot was my motto.   That  coupled with forces I was unfamiliar with at the time – I felt I had to go, in the works of Frears, S. (Director). (1988). Dangerous Liaisons [Film]. USA,It is beyond my control” is what addiction feels like.  At that point in my life nothing short of death was going to sway, hinder, deter or stop me from achieving my goal.

…meanwhile back on the bus, I thought to myself – God has just showed me how much He loves me even in the muck and mire. I was so very glad I had to opportunity to get on that bus to get a mirror image of me before and after if I had chosen to stay on that dangerous path a – Bus to No Where

 

King James Bible
Deliver me out of the mire, and let me not sink: let me be delivered from them that hate me, and out of the deep waters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Garbage Can Rolled In Front of #theBus

The Garbage Can Family

I won’t be long with this story for the hour is late and I’m not sure where I’m going with this story, I’m so filled with many emotions, fear, guilt, shame, sadness, anger, jealousy and resentment. There once was old lady who live in a shoe she had so many children she didn’t know what to do.  She loved some and disliked others; she would compare her family to other “great” families both near and far.  Her family like most families in the neighborhood had their fair share of problems, cheating husbands, drug addiction, alcoholism, child abuse, lack of education, love and the inability to love.  She wanted something better for herself and I suppose her children – what I think she wanted were trophy’s something tangible that validated who she was and her desire for “something better” that would also give her background meaning and purpose.Garbage at the bus stop

We all have had moments when we wanted something better, something more, just one more dollar, a better car, a better job or suit/dress to wear to that “better” job.  I ask you to examine yourselves today are you looking for “something better” or “just one more”?  There was a woman who cried out saying, “my husband is dead, and you know the creditor is coming to take my son to be his slave.” So, someone said to her, “What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house?” And she said, “Nothing is in the house but a jar of oil.”  He said, “Go, borrow jars from everywhere, from all your neighbors—empty jars; do not gather just a few, and when you have come in, you shall shut the door behind you and your sons; then pour it into all those vessels, and set aside the full ones.”  The woman did as she was told, and she poured, and she poured, and she poured, and jars kept coming from out of nowhere.  Her faith in the person that God used to get her through the tough times was beyond belief.  There will come a time when we must all find the strength not in the comfort of those we know but in that “stranger” that God has sent to help us along the way.

We must ask ourselves what has God given us to help our family, is it our funding, jars of oil, extra garbage bag linings for what we have deemed as “the trash” of our family because they don’t mirror the folks around the corner or the ones in the next town over or even the family on your favorite sit-com, or perhaps all we have to distribute equally and evenly is our love for each one of our family members and then watch our ROI increase…

My Father

Someone very dear to me sent the story below just a few minutes ago…as I continue to weep regularly about the loss of my (natural) father – this message was very comforting. You see not only was he the best father I ever knew but he was my friend (#shonuff).  I would call him when I was in trouble, I would call him to share in my joy and happiness, I would call him for advice and I would call him for no reason at all. Haven’t had a friend like that in a long time – I’m weeping now – it’s such an overwhelming loss without some type of pain medication.  I’m going to be alright for I know where my strength in times of sorrow comes from.

The road to this #bus stop was by far one of the worst.   The hills and valleys I had to climb in and out of and try to navigate in the dark was just dreadful.  I kept looking for my father to save me and he was gone from this earth.  I could not believe he had left me here in this place with all this pain – there were so many ripped wounds all over my heart, mind, body and soul.  ER and trauma like blood was oozing out every orifice up and down my body from my scalp to under my toes (metaphorically) I couldn’t manage the pain no matter what I did.  Seemed like all the pain I had ever experienced was now multiplied and wide-open again with the passing of my father.  Robet WilliamsonYou see we were like friends, sister and brother, daughter and father.  We had the same thoughts, I could make him shriek in heart felt laughter and I would equally find his statements ridiculously funny.  We could talk for 8 hours straight – ask my mother!  Then one day he was in the hospital and his life was hanging on by minutes he opened his mouth with that breathing apparatus covering his mouth and I couldn’t find one word to say.  I’m so selfish I don’t care that his lungs were gone.  The pain he must have been in, Lord I thank you for taking him and now this war is over for him. #GoodNight Robert Williamson. He’s resting I know that with all my heart

Today I’m determined to remember the man I’ve known as my father all the days of my life with a smile and joy in my heart let the tears fall and let the joy reign again.  With that said here’s the message I received this evening.

Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the father said, ‘I love you, and I wish you enough.’

The daughter replied, ‘Dad, our life together has been more than enough.  Your love is all I ever needed.  I wish you enough, too, Dad.’

They kissed and the daughter left.  The Father walked over to the window where I was seated.  Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry.  I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, ‘Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?’

‘Yes, I have,’ I replied.  ‘Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?’..

‘I am old, and she lives so far away.  I have challenges ahead and the reality is – the next trip back will be for my funeral,’ he said.

‘When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, ‘I wish you enough..’  May I ask what that means?’

He began to smile.  ‘That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations.  My parents used to say it to everyone…’  He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. ‘When we said, ‘I wish you enough,’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.’  Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life to forget them.

* Only if you wish, send this to the people you will never forget. If you don’t send it to anyone it may mean that you are in such a hurry that you have forgotten your friends.

TAKE TIME TO LIVE….

To all my friends and loved ones, I WISH YOU ENOUGH.