Addiction, Faith, Mental Health, Purpose, Reading, Salvation, Social Injustice, Spirituality, The Bus

#MorningMeditationForYourSoul

Losing my sanity

Good morning folks, apparently I got quite a bit side-tracked from my #journeytofreedom and let the cares of this world deter me from my purpose.

I got caught up in Trumpism, the Mueller Investigation, Lies, Russia, Racism, Police Brutality Against Black Folk, Injustices in the Government, Rand, Giuliani, Pirro and yes even #FakeNews.  I was researching other stories that would show every supporter in a negative light (hmmm who was I following for – surely not God]  I got physically tired and overwhelmed with responding verbally to every #Tweet and #FacebookPost…. until I had a [moment of clarity] and realized I was fighting a #battle that was not mine – if I believe in the messages from God in that #Book.

 

I decided to unplug for a day of rest and feed myself with positive and uplifting messages – soon, the clarity returned.  So I’m here to testify that it only takes one day in some situations for God to move and turn-it-around!! I’m determined more than ever to stay on track.

How did you get off track and how did you return to #sanity?

 

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Reading, The Bus, Women's Issues

When the Veil Dosen’t Work

Trip Down South

One day my mother had an idea, she wanted to drive us to Newport News, VA by herself without my father.  We had never taken a trip that far without him, sure we had crossed the border to New York (Port Chester and White Plains) a thousand times but never multiple states away.  We were very excited but not sure she/we could do it, so I kept track of the exit signs and miles to the next state and I think my brother was simply a bratty passenger.  There was very different about this more than just my dad was not driving; and I don’t know and still don’t know what prompted her to make such a decision.   We arrived safe and sound (where did that phrase come from?) my grandparents were so happy to see us, and I was eager to go and hang out with my cousins as I always did.  I had the 15-year-old itch (wanting to be older but unable to do anything about it too young for 16-year-old things like driving and to old for hanging out with 7-year-old bratty brothers) – hanging with my older cousins seemed like a great alternative considering I had no other siblings or cousins my age, so the idea of going to out with my cousins sounded like a fabulous idea.

Cutie and Baby Blue Camaro

Any who, one evening I was out with my cousins and we went to the local bar.  The excitement of being in the bar and pretending to be all grown up was overwhelmingly sweet and sufficient.  I was not sure what to do so I acted as they did (the beginning of my precise chameleon abilities).  After the bar-scene ended we were in the parking lot  making plans to do other things.   There he was that cute guy that was trying to buy me a drink in the bar had started a conversation with me and I found myself engaged and feeling a lot like Jan (from the Brady Bunch) all grown up but not really.  Besides being cute/handsome he had a baby blue Camaro just like the one I dreamed I would have when I “grew up”.  There was a young lady in our neighborhood that was a few years older she had a good job and a baby blue Camaro.  My best friend and I vowed we would get a car just like hers when we grew up and even work with the same organization.  Meanwhile back at the bar, my cousins have decided to go to house party can and that cute guy after hearing my story asked me if I wanted to drive! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!  Can you imagine the excitement I felt at 15 years of age (with a learner’s permit) driving my dream car, hanging out with my family, meeting this guy and going to another party after I have just left a bar!!! This scenario would never have happened back at home and I was locked and loaded.

Horror!!!

We’re off and driving down a very long street and somewhere along the way I get separated from the train of cars that were traveling to the party.  Me and “Cutie” arrive at an apartment complex, I look around but I don’t see any familiar cars, family members and I don’t hear any music – considering we going to another party it was Summer and very quiet after 2 am.  We walk into a house and there’s some random guy watching television in the dark.  “Cutie” walks me upstairs and wants to make out – remember those days.  However, the making out begins to go way beyond what I’ve had become accustomed to so I begin to say stop! no! don’t! I’m fighting with is his hands and trying to move away,  in a minute, I can’t control his movements – he’s not listening and there, right there, the most unbelievable thing happens…

I can hear all my mother words warning me about playing around with little boys.  How I needed to act like a lady, get treated with respect, don’t run around kissing guys and sitting on toilets because that would lead to pregnancy!  A young man should want to take you out on Saturday and Sunday if no-show on Sunday – it’s a problem – the RULES…My honor, the definition of who I was, my dreams and hopes in a flash had been snatched from me by some random cute guy I met at the bar driving a baby blue Camaro!  Damn what do I do, I don’t know where I am, I don’t know how to get back to grandma’s house, I don’t know where my family is, cell phones were only for the extremely rich and famous!!!

The Veil The Veil

When he realizes what I was, yes, I was an untouched flower that he had just destroyed!  He goes into his glove compartment and shows me his car registration and then he goes into the trunk and takes out a crow bar – I’m thinking oh Lord is going to kill me right here in the parking lot – hell it’s dawn for Christ’s sake – who does that (my naïve ignorance) he gives me permission to destroy the baby blue… and/or him with the crowbar.  I hold the crow bar and I’ll be damn, I can’t make a decision which would hurt him more breaking the windows or slashing him upside his head… so out of my hands it drops, and I softly say please take me home.

I had a dream, no I had a vision that I would marry my high school sweetheart, we would have 2 children, a washer and dryer,  I knew where we would live and that he would take over his father’s business – we would live happily ever after just like #Cinderella.  I had a desire to be a real-life Cinderella yet I had picked out my Knight in Shining Armor.  One night with “Cutie” from the bar with baby blue Camaro shot that dream all to hell.  You see my #Virgin status had been revoked –

 

Do come back later to find out I tried to restore my #Virgin status and adjust my #Veil…

 

 

 

The Bus

Why Didn’t The Frog Jump

We all know too well why the #ChickenCrossedTheRoad to get to the other side right; however lets look at the stage of development.

Infants

9-month-olds an interpret the behaviour of an abstract computer-animated object as being goal-directed and can infer its novel action in a changed situation. Infants
were habituated to an event in which a small circle repeatedly approached a large circle by ‘jumping over’ a rectangle. During the test phase, when the rectangle is removed, infants look longer if the small circle repeats its familiar jumping approach than when it takes a novel but shorter (straight line) approach route.
Infants must establish a specific explanatory relation among three elements: the action, the goal state, and the constraints of physical reality.
Adults tend to describe the jumping event in mentalistic terms such as ‘it wants to go to the other circle and thinks the obstacle is impenetrable…
 Bioling Frog

A Frog However…

A frog Fell into a pot on a stove ….
As the temperature of the water begins to rise, the frog adjusts its body temperature accordingly.  The frog keeps adjusting its body temperature with the increasing temperature of the water.  Just when the water is about to reach boiling point, the frog cannot adjust anymore. At this point the frog decides to jump out.  The frog tries to jump but it is unable to do so because it has lost all its strength in adjusting with the rising water temperature.  Very soon the frog dies.

What Killed the Frog?

Think about it!  I know many of us will say the boiling water. But the truth about what killed the frog was its own inability to decide when to jump out.

We all need to adjust with people & situations, but we need to be sure when we need to adjust & when we need to move on. There are times when we need to face the situation and take appropriate actions.  If we allow people to exploit us physically, emotionally, financially, spiritually or mentally they will continue to do so.

You and Me

Is he to painful for our relationship?

Does she hurt me when she calls?

Do I lose more working at this place than my paycheck can cover?

Do really love him or am I in Love with being in a relationship?

Has the pain of letting go grown more than the pain of holding on…

Let us decide when to move on to the next #Bus!
Let’s jump while we still have the strength.

Addiction, Reading, The Bus

Why Am I On The Bus

I had decided to turn my life around after using drugs for many years and decided I would really give it my best shot after the other 2 times didn’t work.  So here I am leaving the rehab facility and I’m on the bus traveling downtown and the bus stops to pick up a traveler. A young black girl gets on the bus and she has these long braid extensions in her hair and she’s very loud!  I used to be very loud or, so everyone always made it a point to let me know how loud I was – and I’m still loud today when I’m passionate about some topic or when I’m not.

Any who, I find myself unable to stop watching this young lady and listening to her rant and rave about an incident with her son.  She goes on and on with no regard for the other passengers on the bus.  Just yelling and screaming and it occurs to me I can’t see who she’s talking to or if she is even talking to anyone on the bus.  Well it would appear she is not talking to anyone or maybe no one is listening.  The most puzzling thing that happens next is she get off the bus at the very next stop – I mean one block away!  I said to myself, geese she could have walked that distance and save us from hearing her rantings about her son.  Yea! she’s gone and off we go to our next stop – the drama some folk have with them!

At the next block the bus makes a loud machine-like noise and my first thought is, oh no the bus is breaking down, I don’t feel like walking or waiting for another bus.  Much to my surprise the bus has a hydraulic system that allows the driver to lower the front end and allow the steps to convert into a ramp.  In my infinite wisdom I had no idea this could happen – well I had not been a regular bus rider since I was in high school – scratch that since junior high.  I was not aware of what was going on with the bus until I saw someone enter the bus on a wheel chair with a little boy.  I thought to myself wow – technology sure has changed.  You see when someone is on drugs their world becomes composed of about a 4-block radius.  The place to purchase the drugs and the place to use the drugs – anything else that goes on in the world is of no or little importance.

The woman in the wheel was an older black woman and she had a look on her face that caused me to stare.  I found myself unable to turn away from her face –  much like I did with the screamer.  Something about this woman drew me to her.  At first I had no idea why, I’ve seen many folk in wheel chairs before and have felt sad, disconnected or have had great empathy for them.  This day, this day is very different.  As I continued to try to assess why I was so engaged with her I noticed something amazing.  I looked at her and I thought  based on her face alone, this woman was not born with this affliction, this was something that happened to her somewhere along her own “bus ride”  whatever it was, however it happened it was well with her soul.

The odd thing that happened next was we traveled to the very next stop and she too like the loud girl got off the bus immediately. I’m thinking what is this, The One Block Bus Tour?  Don’t these folk know I’m trying to get home, it’s a lovely day, it’s Friday and I have things to do,  folk are getting on and getting off the bus when they could have ridden or walked one block!  Why didn’t they walk or ride the one block?

I’ll tell you why, remember how the first young lady reminded me of myself just before I decided to turn my life around – loud and saying nothing of any relevance.  The second lady – was a vision of what God had shielded me from in my active addiction.

One evening, I was at a friend’s  house and folk were playing poker after the poker games were over I collected the “house” money (money for each game of poker played) which was mine to keep.  I was ready to go and do that which I had become accustomed to doing – use drugs!  My friend was very opposed to this idea, he was so angry that since his tone was not a deterrent to my desires –  he thought he would reach in the nightstand  and take out the gun and shoot at me.  I suppose he thought that would deter me – no not really,  I am a former Marine, if you can’t aim don’t shoot was my motto.   That  coupled with forces I was unfamiliar with at the time – I felt I had to go, in the works of Frears, S. (Director). (1988). Dangerous Liaisons [Film]. USA,It is beyond my control” is what addiction feels like.  At that point in my life nothing short of death was going to sway, hinder, deter or stop me from achieving my goal.

…meanwhile back on the bus, I thought to myself – God has just showed me how much He loves me even in the muck and mire. I was so very glad I had to opportunity to get on that bus to get a mirror image of me before and after if I had chosen to stay on that dangerous path a – Bus to No Where

 

King James Bible
Deliver me out of the mire, and let me not sink: let me be delivered from them that hate me, and out of the deep waters.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Faith, Novel, Reading, The Bus

The Garbage Can Rolled In Front of #theBus

The Garbage Can Family

I won’t be long with this story for the hour is late and I’m not sure where I’m going with this story, I’m so filled with many emotions, fear, guilt, shame, sadness, anger, jealousy and resentment. There once was old lady who live in a shoe she had so many children she didn’t know what to do.  She loved some and disliked others; she would compare her family to other “great” families both near and far.  Her family like most families in the neighborhood had their fair share of problems, cheating husbands, drug addiction, alcoholism, child abuse, lack of education, love and the inability to love.  She wanted something better for herself and I suppose her children – what I think she wanted were trophy’s something tangible that validated who she was and her desire for “something better” that would also give her background meaning and purpose.Garbage at the bus stop

We all have had moments when we wanted something better, something more, just one more dollar, a better car, a better job or suit/dress to wear to that “better” job.  I ask you to examine yourselves today are you looking for “something better” or “just one more”?  There was a woman who cried out saying, “my husband is dead, and you know the creditor is coming to take my son to be his slave.” So, someone said to her, “What shall I do for you? Tell me, what do you have in the house?” And she said, “Nothing is in the house but a jar of oil.”  He said, “Go, borrow jars from everywhere, from all your neighbors—empty jars; do not gather just a few, and when you have come in, you shall shut the door behind you and your sons; then pour it into all those vessels, and set aside the full ones.”  The woman did as she was told, and she poured, and she poured, and she poured, and jars kept coming from out of nowhere.  Her faith in the person that God used to get her through the tough times was beyond belief.  There will come a time when we must all find the strength not in the comfort of those we know but in that “stranger” that God has sent to help us along the way.

We must ask ourselves what has God given us to help our family, is it our funding, jars of oil, extra garbage bag linings for what we have deemed as “the trash” of our family because they don’t mirror the folks around the corner or the ones in the next town over or even the family on your favorite sit-com, or perhaps all we have to distribute equally and evenly is our love for each one of our family members and then watch our ROI increase…

Faith, Good Night, The Bus

My Father

Someone very dear to me sent the story below just a few minutes ago…as I continue to weep regularly about the loss of my (natural) father – this message was very comforting. You see not only was he the best father I ever knew but he was my friend (#shonuff).  I would call him when I was in trouble, I would call him to share in my joy and happiness, I would call him for advice and I would call him for no reason at all. Haven’t had a friend like that in a long time – I’m weeping now – it’s such an overwhelming loss without some type of pain medication.  I’m going to be alright for I know where my strength in times of sorrow comes from.

The road to this #bus stop was by far one of the worst.   The hills and valleys I had to climb in and out of and try to navigate in the dark was just dreadful.  I kept looking for my father to save me and he was gone from this earth.  I could not believe he had left me here in this place with all this pain – there were so many ripped wounds all over my heart, mind, body and soul.  ER and trauma like blood was oozing out every orifice up and down my body from my scalp to under my toes (metaphorically) I couldn’t manage the pain no matter what I did.  Seemed like all the pain I had ever experienced was now multiplied and wide-open again with the passing of my father.  Robet WilliamsonYou see we were like friends, sister and brother, daughter and father.  We had the same thoughts, I could make him shriek in heart felt laughter and I would equally find his statements ridiculously funny.  We could talk for 8 hours straight – ask my mother!  Then one day he was in the hospital and his life was hanging on by minutes he opened his mouth with that breathing apparatus covering his mouth and I couldn’t find one word to say.  I’m so selfish I don’t care that his lungs were gone.  The pain he must have been in, Lord I thank you for taking him and now this war is over for him. #GoodNight Robert Williamson. He’s resting I know that with all my heart

Today I’m determined to remember the man I’ve known as my father all the days of my life with a smile and joy in my heart let the tears fall and let the joy reign again.  With that said here’s the message I received this evening.

Recently I overheard a father and daughter in their last moments together at the airport. They had announced the departure.

Standing near the security gate, they hugged and the father said, ‘I love you, and I wish you enough.’

The daughter replied, ‘Dad, our life together has been more than enough.  Your love is all I ever needed.  I wish you enough, too, Dad.’

They kissed and the daughter left.  The Father walked over to the window where I was seated.  Standing there I could see he wanted and needed to cry.  I tried not to intrude on his privacy, but he welcomed me in by asking, ‘Did you ever say good-bye to someone knowing it would be forever?’

‘Yes, I have,’ I replied.  ‘Forgive me for asking, but why is this a forever good-bye?’..

‘I am old, and she lives so far away.  I have challenges ahead and the reality is – the next trip back will be for my funeral,’ he said.

‘When you were saying good-bye, I heard you say, ‘I wish you enough..’  May I ask what that means?’

He began to smile.  ‘That’s a wish that has been handed down from other generations.  My parents used to say it to everyone…’  He paused a moment and looked up as if trying to remember it in detail, and he smiled even more. ‘When we said, ‘I wish you enough,’ we were wanting the other person to have a life filled with just enough good things to sustain them.’  Then turning toward me, he shared the following as if he were reciting it from memory.

I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright no matter how gray the day may appear.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun even more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive and everlasting.

I wish you enough pain so that even the smallest of joys in life may appear bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye.

He then began to cry and walked away.

They say it takes a minute to find a special person, an hour to appreciate them, a day to love them; but then an entire life to forget them.

* Only if you wish, send this to the people you will never forget. If you don’t send it to anyone it may mean that you are in such a hurry that you have forgotten your friends.

TAKE TIME TO LIVE….

To all my friends and loved ones, I WISH YOU ENOUGH.

 

Salvation, The Bus

New #Blogger On Board – #MsConcerned

Blogging is not as easy as one thinks – so I am learning.  One must be #fearless and establish a routine of posting relevant material in a timely manner.  The content must be of value, distractions must be non-existent, and readability must be appropriate for the audience – or at least grasp the audience’s attention.

For folk like me I want to share with the world my knowledge of certain subjects and I end up jumping from one topic to another the moment I feel passion about the subject matter or about the folk that will be affected by the subject.  I also want to share about the book that is currently being revised for the nth time about my #Journey from the #BusStop to present day.   I believe it will be a good read, enjoyable, painful and life-sustaining not but for only for woman but for men as well.  Of course I end up #Hash-tagging all over the place trying desperately to connected the dots, lol.

Seriously, I believe there are women out there who have had her heart-broken and/or shattered into a million pieces (there’s a difference); who has had her life ripped out from under her; who has watched her husband walk away with a baby and had a baby.  For any woman who has found herself in the trenches of drug addiction and abuse from all directions only to get up and find #Grace on the other side – only to find herself entangled in the trenches again still trying to glue the minuscule pieces of her heart and life back together by engaging in unsavory relationships, meaningless jobs, friendless girlfriends, and with unhealthy men. I believe there are women that have turned to God heard His voice, seen His miracles and turned away!  Yes, that’s  just some of my story; I hope you take the journey with me – help me – guide me and most of all don’t judge me.  If you do – don’t worry, I have a God that loves and adores me and I know He Loves and adores you too – no matter how many times you said no – not right now…

 

 

Bible, Faith, Novel, Reading, The Bus

Entertaining Strangers

Song says:

One man sat alone beside the highway begging,
His eyes were blind, the light he could not see;
He clutched his rags and shivered in the shadows,
Then Jesus came and bade his darkness flee.

As I walked past the #BusStop the other day a man asked me for change, I replied, “I don’t have any right now”. I went to #DunkinDonuts and when I came out that man had followed me I looked at him and gave him the change and I asked him, “Did you follow me here”? He replied, “yes” – I looked at him and smiled.

On my way back to work walked back passed the #BusStop and there was another man – his eyes were on fire, hot red – he asked if I had any change I told him, “I gave it to the man back there”.  Then I remembered the description of Jesus  – as described in Revelation 1:14 His head and his hairs were white like wool, as white as snow; and his eyes were as a flame of fire…

Later that day I reached in pocket because “something” told me to – and there it was – the amount of money I had given the stranger that followed me to Dunkin Donuts.  Yet I must admit I was for a moment moved by the eyes of the second young man.  I thought to myself did I do something wrong by not giving the 2nd man any change?  I thought about the scripture – Hebrews 13:2 Be not forgetful to entertain strangers: for thereby some have entertained angels unawares.
MonkeyBars

The song says the man was blind the light he could not see – the Bible describes Jesus as the “Light”my days of playing on the #monkeybars (If keep coming back you’ll find the meaning of the #Monkeybars) I was not looking for the #Light and did not want it to enter into my world I was living in.

Do you think we take the #scriptures too literal; perhaps there a deeper simpler meaning to the scriptures?

 

When Jesus Comes

Faith, Novel, Reading, The Bus

One Woman’s Journey to Freedom

Dreams

Dreams many of us have them during waking hours they are known as day dreaming. We dream of places we would like to be, we day dream about a better home, a spouse or perhaps what life would be like if we had more money.  Some of us dream during our sleep – they can be hot spicy dreams or dreams of “real life” experiences and then there are those of us that have dreams of a more spiritual nature.  The story you are about to read is about the latter.  Although the dream is true unlike some dreams that last during the night and they are over the moment we wake up this dream will span more than a decade and continues to evolve as I write this story.

The First Dream

As I awaken from one of the most vivid dreams I had as a child in elementary school I felt a sense of fear, a dark fear.  Our family had just moved to a project community, they are called “the projects” a housing development owned by the government.  Our apartment was located on the 6th floor in the middle building of the complex.  Moving day for a kid can be quite interesting, we don’t really do anything, except get in the way or just run around and watch – and try to stay out of the way.  Up and down the elevator I traveled all day, it was a nice warm day to move and see interesting things.  During this move I can remember 1 or 2 specific incidents.  One was I managed to somehow get away from my parents not by choice, just wandering off; I found myself in the elevator alone.  Apparently, someone (maybe my dad – I loved him so much) taught me how to push the number 6 for my floor and so I did or, so I thought.  I got off and walked straight to the first house on the right like I had done about 6 times already; yet this time I noticed there were some type of hanging twigs or dead flowers on the door, I thought to myself, I’ve never seen those before (from where we had just moved from) I entered the house and to my surprise the house was fully furnished but those people were not my parents.  The house had a strange atmosphere about it, something said to me “get out” and so I did, I didn’t say hello when that lady spoke to me, that man in the chair just looked and never said a word, but when she reach out to touch me – I flew out of that door!

From our building we could see the park across the street, which would later become the walk of horror for me on my way to school. The girls would begin to get angry with me because I had a new outfit on every Monday – that was something not heard of if the projects back in my day. They would taunt me, stick their tongue out at me when after we arrived in class and their favorite line as they passed by my desk was, “…you think you cute…” one would think that was a nice thing to say I learned the hard way that is was not a complement.   You see my dad was always trying to improve and make another dollar more than he did the day before and as a result my mother would always do for us what was not done for her as she grew up.

I also remember always losing my house key – that was tied around my neck with a one of those hair ribbons that was twisted like yarn and it would frizz up; it was irritating around my neck, so I would remove it once I left the house and subsequently I would have go to office – get the master key then walk around the corner to the local supply story to get a replacement; back then replacement keys were .50 cents.  Not sure what significance the losing of the key has to this story but it was a memory that stood out for me and I decided to place it in this introduction.

One night as I climbed into bed and fell asleep I begin to dream.  In the dream I pushed 6 for the floor I lived on and the elevator door would open; when the door opened I found myself on a floor filled with nothing but cylinder columns.  Cement Columns 3I walked off the elevator and looked around for a bit then the fear came I turned to get back on the elevator and to my horror the elevator was gone!  The dream repeated itself over and over again night after night.  This dream repeated itself so much that I found myself able to make decisions during the dream I would remember the events from the last dream, so I wouldn’t get out of the elevator, so it would not disappear on me, to my surprise I found that if I did not get out of the elevator it would still disappear.   During one of the dreams I entered in the elevator and decided not to move, and the elevator disappeared as if I had got off once again forcing me to take that walk – the only relief or freedom from the 6th floor – was waking up.

Dreams in the Bible may…

  • Warn a person not to do something (Genesis 20:3, 31:24, Matthew 27:19)
  • Convey what will happen either in the near or distant future (Genesis 37:5, 9, 40:8 – 19, 41:1 – 7, 15 – 32, Daniel 2, 7)
  • Convey a spiritual truth (Genesis 28:12)
  • Confirm a promise (Genesis 28:13 – 14)
  • To convey to an enemy their destruction (Judges 7:13 – 15)
  • Offer a gift from God (1Kings 3:5)
  • Warn a person they will receive punishment for their sins (Daniel 4)

I would encourage you to tuned for more of my dream…

My He Bless You Beyond Your Comprehension